Young carers: ‘You are not alone’

Hi, my name is Laura I am 19 years old, I grew up as a young carer and I want to share my story with you.

I was adopted at the age of 4 years and that was when my caring role began, I cared for my mum who had a stroke (she was paralysed down her left side) a few years before my parents adopted me. When I was first adopted, my mum's medical condition was not as severe, she was able to walk and was very independent, and my dad worked a full-time job.

By the time I was 6–7 years old, my mum had gone downhill significantly, but she was still able to walk short distances and she still wanted to be very independent.

There is this time that I remember from my childhood where my mum and dad were getting me into bed, and my mum fell over in my bedroom hitting her head on my bed, which at the time was a bunk bed. I remember the feelings like it was yesterday, the fear that it caused to me in my own room. I was ever so upset, my dad called the ambulance for mum but because of how scared I was, I also needed the reassurance that everything was going to be okay. A year went by, my parents then adopted my younger brother.

As my parents adopted my brother, my mum was still very independent and really didn't like to ask for help. But it put more responsibility on me as she got worse because I had to help so much more with her medical needs but also with my brother, because my dad was working full time. It left me at the age of 10–11 taking on the responsibility of getting things sorted out in the morning and making sure my mum, brother and myself were ready for the day ahead. For example, that my brother and I got to school on time and mum was going to be okay and had things to keep her going through the day, and then after school getting home, changed, doing house chores, dinner, etc.

‘I was adopted at the age of 4 years and that was when my caring role began, I cared for my mum who had a stroke (she was paralysed down her left side) a few years before my parents adopted me.’

I was only recognised as a young carer in 2013 and I got the support from Northamptonshire Young Carers that I really needed after coping as long as I did with everything that was going on at home but it also took a lot to admit that I was different to all my school friends. After joining this organisation I finally felt like I had somewhere where I didn't have to hide away and feel ashamed of who I was, because there were so many other people who were in the same situation and knew how hard it was to be able to cope with school and home. Also, knowing that I could go to any of the workers who were absolutely amazing, they make you feel so good about yourself and like you mean so much, and your feelings do really matter to them and they try so hard to help you feel better about the situation.

In 2015, things took a turn for the worse and my mum became an alcoholic and started to become very aggressive toward me and in some way jealous that I could walk and run around, my dad and mum became very argumentative. It was scary having to witness my parents argue but also my mum's mental health go out the window and being her emotional support, but also being that emotional rock for my dad as it was a very hard time for him as well… But who was there for me and my brother in this time? Because we couldn't go to our parents, we were so lucky that we had Northamptonshire Young Carers to be able to talk to. Although we may not have told them what was happening to start off with because we just thought it would blow over, as time went on I noticed things were not going to change so I turned to my key worker and cried out for help and he was bloody amazing with how much he supported me and my family. He went above and beyond, as did the rest of the workers. After I reached out to Northamptonshire Young Carers, child social care got involved and tried to help but my mum didn't want much help at all, it got to the point that my dad, brother and I moved away from my mum. I felt awful for leaving my mum because she needed help, but she didn't want it.

After about a year of having moved out we noticed things were not going to get any better, so my dad found someone new to be with. We then moved in with her and her daughter. After about a year my mum sadly passed away in November 2017. Every day she is in my heart and I love her more than people know.

Because I didn't have anyone to care for anymore Northamptonshire Young Carers couldn't support me, but that wasn't going to stop communication between myself and them as I did three fundraising events for them:

• Morrison – £126.53
• Tresham - £43
• Tresham - £80

After the last Fundraiser I became an Ambassador and a Young Carers Mental Health Champion. And I take these roles very seriously because I know that young carers need a voice and I want to be that voice.

I now live on my own, which is a massive struggle to cope with, especially with anxiety and depression, I am lucky that I have my animals around me that keep me going every day. I do feel angry, upset, like there are questions I have to ask but there will never be answers because the only person that could answer them isn't here anymore to answer them truthfully.

How I coped – Self-help at home

When I was going through being a young carer and everything I went through, things that helped me cope were:

• Friends – Friends are the best thing that could have ever happened to me because they were/are always there for me and they always took my mind away from what was going on at home
• Music – When I was home, I used to have music on when helping around the house or on the odd time that I had to myself I had music on quietly in the background just to help calm me down and chill
• Drawing – Drawing was my massive outlet for me. I used to, and still do, draw how I feel, which made everything feel better as I could take all my feelings out through my drawings
• Writing down my feeling – When I feel low or I cannot sleep I have to write things to stop them flowing through my head
• Watching TV or a favourite film – If I am feeling stressed out, focusing on a film helps me relax and lose myself within it.

My struggle at school and college

Going to school was the hardest thing for me to do, because most of my school life I was a young carer caring for my mum.

When in school I was always very quiet and shy, this was for a lot of reasons.

I didn't feel comfortable around people my own age – this was because the year I was in, many others were all really very loud and opinionated and they always had so much to say about people that appeared different.

I had my mum on my mind a lot as she was home alone and knowing that I never knew what I was going to go home to.

When you are in infant and junior school it was always scary, but 90% of the time my mum would usually be there to pick me up, it was only if something was wrong that she didn't. Yet as soon as my parents adopted my brother, I was by then in year 5/6 (aged 9–10), was when I started have to collect him from his school. This made secondary school so much harder.

But it wasn't just that, it was the fact that there was very little awareness of young carers and not many people knew what I was going through, so telling my teachers was always so hard because they never really knew how to support me, and a lot still don't.

In college, I found things very hard too, because support was quite limited. In my very first year of my early years and health and social care course, I was still having a lot of problems family-wise. This did not help me with my studies at all and I didn't feel like I could tell my tutors. It wasn't until the end of the second year when I unfortunately lost my mum that I felt like I could open up to my tutors at the college.

During my final 2 years at college, I felt passionate about ensuring that others don't struggle through their school and college years, and so I began to fundraise and promote raising awareness of young carers.

I can't comment on if I had known of the Northamptonshire young carers organisation at an earlier age, whether things would have been different for me at school, but the advice I would now give to anyone out there, is not to sit in silence and if you feel confident enough, try to make school/college aware of your situation, because the more they know, the more they will be able to help and guide you to the correct support.

I am proud to share that during my college year, I managed to pass all the courses that I took and that I now hold qualifications in Health and Social Care and Early Years level 1, Early Years level 2 and Art and Design level 2.

I found that in my last year it was so much easier because I was very open to my tutors and managed to help them understand what I had been through.

I am so very keen to promote awareness of what support is out there for all young people who may be carers.

The more understanding that teachers, tutors and all other professionals can have, of the struggles a young carer may experience then all the more support can be put into place, so that all young carers can have the same opportunities to achieve their academic goals.

How I coped at school and college

Coping in primary school was a lot harder because when I was at school, I did keep all my feeling to myself and didn't tell a lot of my friends or teachers about the situation that I had at home.

I often found my way of coping would be to help everyone around me so that it kept my brain active and stopped me worrying about everything at home.

During my time in secondary school, I had a little more support in place.

I had things like:

• A time-out card – This allowed me to step out of class and go to a learning support room to just rest my head and bring myself back into focus
• A teaching assistant in my classes who knew the things that were going on at home and, if I was having a difficult day, they would check up on me and make sure that my other teachers understood if I had to leave the room. The good thing about this was that I only had to explain to one person what was happening at home and they would tell the people who needed to know, to ensure that I was both kept safe and also that I had the emotional support that was needed.
• Access to the learning support room, where I had a tray that had things in it such as colouring books, notepads and rubik's cubes. I found that they helped keep my anxiety down but also took my mind off things that had maybe upset me during that day or even the evening of the day before.

At college, I wouldn't say that things got easier for me because I would be lying but I found myself being able to talk more freely about my situation. When I went to college, the first 2 years were hard as I didn't feel like I fitted in on the course that I was on, but I did make them aware of my situation and they would allow me take phone calls or step out if I needed to.

In the third year of college, I finally felt that I had found something that I enjoyed but also I found that my tutors also wanted to help me in the best way they could.

They put a number of thing in place for me:

• Being able to listen to music while working
• Taking time out when needed
• When my mum's death anniversary came around, they made sure that all my tutors were aware, and they set up a separate room for me for if I felt like I couldn't sit in class

But the thing that meant the most to me was that they made it so much easier for me to be able to talk to them.

Over the years I haven't found things at all easy, but once I had found what was right for me and the right support it was so much easier to express my feelings and fully open up.

How I dealt with my mum's passing?

Everyone deals with death and grief in different ways, there is no right or wrong way to deal with it, you have to go with all the feelings that you may have and try and cope with them in your way. Below are the ways I found myself dealing with it.

So when my dad first got the call about my mum passing in the early hours of the morning, I cried to start off with mainly because I felt very guilty for a number of reasons but then I found myself comforting my family and trying to hide the way I felt about it.

‘… there was very little awareness of young carers and not many people knew what I was going through, so telling my teachers was always so hard because they never really knew how to support me, and a lot still don't.’

‘Not every strategy that works for me will work for you, use the things you love to do to try and take your mind away from your caring roles and just have some time for yourself.’

The day that my mum passed, I tried to continue with college, this being said I did email my tutors telling them what had happened that morning and told them I was going to try to be there. When I got to college and went into my lesson, my tutor asked me if I should be there and I just began to cry. She then took me out of the room, the head of the course rang my dad and I was sent home. This day was one of the hardest days of my life, and I learnt that I really couldn't keep my feelings locked away as they were going to come out somewhere and that I couldn't protect my family from my grief.

After I got sent home, I just sat on a bench on the way home and sat thinking about things this was mainly to process the day's events as my head was spinning. While sat on the bench I took the chance to message my old key worker from Northamptonshire Young Carers, who as always sent me a supportive message back. Later that week I also got a really nice card from them.

Due to family differences I never got to go to my mum's funeral to say my goodbyes, I ended up going for a walk with my dad, step mum and my sweet little dog, and just trying to celebrate my mum's life in my own way. I didn't go to her grave for 2 years because I couldn't bring myself to do so, in a way it was just easier for me to push it to the side than deal with it.

The impact of lockdown

Life before lockdown

It is hard to remember what things where like before lockdown but one thing I know is that my mental health and anxiety was so much better than it is now.

Before lockdown I could go out without a huge amount of anxiety and I had so much more confidence in myself.

What things look like for me now

Now that lockdown restriction in many areas are lifted, the simplest things for me have become unbelievably hard. Things like:

• Leaving the house – This used to be a task that I could do every day and not have to think about it, but after this lockdown it has become super scary and my anxiety hits the roof and because of this I avoid leaving my house
• Eating – Trying to eat or even thinking of food has become a battle.

Getting support

I have always found it extremely hard to get support for myself as it is so much easier to push my feelings and struggles down than deal with them.

So over the lockdown and even if I am honest maybe beforehand, I have struggled to put myself first and get the right support for me. The one thing I have found really hard is to know who to turn to for the advice and support that I needed.

I feel incredibly grateful that The Northamptonshire Young Carers team has been there for me. They have been amazing and a listening ear for me. They have given me someone to turn to, and have provided encouragement where needed. I am so thank full for everything they have done and continue to do.

Messages for other young carers

So that is my story. I hope this helps those of you who are in the caring role and feeling alone to know that you are not alone and that there are thousands of people out there doing what you are, and who are feeling the same.

Some tips from me for coping at school and college:

• If you are having a bad day or the person you care for has had a bit of a bad night or morning make sure you find a teacher or tutor that you can and feel comfortable talking to.
• The coping at home ideas can also work at school and college. For example, having a notebook that you can write your feeling in, losing yourself in a film or book, or drawing at lunch time. I certainly would recommend talking to your close friends.

Not every strategy that works for me will work for you, use the things you love to do to try and take your mind away from your caring roles and just have some time for yourself.

You are number one. You need to take care of yourself and you are worth that time.

When it comes to death and grieving, just remember that the way that I dealt with my mum's passing isn't the way that you will deal with death and grief. Your feelings are very valid and it is okay to have lots of different emotions when dealing with death.

Please, if you are a young carer don't sit in silence, there are people out there to support you, and you are worth that support.

You are all amazing. Keep going, keep safe and, always remember, you are not alone!

FURTHER INFORMATION

The author of this article grew up as a young carer and the article itself is based on a series of blogs aimed at supporting young carers and also raise awareness among professionals working with children and young people. For feedback and ideas for the blogs, the author can be contacted at: l_nycs@yahoo.com

Northamptonshire Young Carers https://www.northamptonshire-carers.org/young-carers-service Email: youngcarersteam@northamptonshire-carers.org

Young Carers in School A project jointly run by the Carers Trust and The Children's Society https://youngcarersinschools.com/

Young Adult Carers at College and University A report by the Carers Trust https://bit.ly/2RLdlxo